Funny quotes of the day HQ
Tell me the name of your plastic surgeon, I'll get your money back. Oilzine
Scrape my bollocks from my thighs with a spatula (One sweaty hiker to another)
Are you familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog
Error 666, hard drive possessed.
I am not an alcoholic, I only drink myself unconscious when I have problems.
My father's last words. "oh, a truck."
Chocolate plus booze plus Barry White equals panty dropper. (The sibling of I Eat Snowman Poop)
Your Village Called, they Want Their Idiot Back
Women are only fit for carrying out menial tasks such as washing and cooking, as well as the odd vigourous bout of intercourse. (Lord Likely)
Your denial knows no boundaries. (Web Pen special)
91.432% of statistics are made up on the spot (Plooptionary)
The masochist said hit me, the sadist said no.
I Eat Snowman Poop - As Part of a Calorie Controlled Diet
Considering the educational prowess of the average builder, how hard can it be to build a house? (Ed, a former builder)
Keep your paws off the computer screen and watch the video like a normal cat.
Sometimes I had to turn my head to the side so I didn't blow chunks - (Greenhorn crab fisherman on Deadliest Catch.)
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
Woman to man: Which of these bear hugs is stronger, this one, or... this one. Man to woman: If that is a bear hug, I think strong is the wrong word.
Stamped on a customer services agent wrist tag: "If you find me in a car accident, please phone my boss to say I will be late for work: the number is 312-234-5674; ext 2; press 4; press 2; say Yes, say No, press 1; wait 11 minutes. Thank you, I value your assistance.
Sort of like a hug, but without any touching, and it costs $19 (John Gruber selling subscriptions (t-shirt included) to his Daring Fireball blog)
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)
If we were meant to be vegetarian, why did god make animals out of meat. Why not tofu? (Dan Nainan)
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Henry Weinberger)
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made. (John Berryman)
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. (Homer Simpson)
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. (George Carlin)
A blogger is a fool, who, not content with boring those living with him, insists on tormenting the general public. (Modified Montesquieu quote)
Si vous aviez faites vos devoirs ( an horrendous grammatical error from a French teacher on The Craft who should have done his homework)
Is she giving up sex for a human year or a dog year? - Seth Herzog on Paris Hilton's recent announcement.
First, I apologize for my English, I am French (I apologize for this too) ;) (A Snapview contributor)
The motto for NGO, World Vision, should be One world no vision.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. (Harry Allen Smith)
Driver is banned for going 160mph. Judge: You are so irresponsible, driving your car as fast as it will go. Driver: That isn't as fast as it will go, I've had 180 out of it before (True story from UK)
I don't suffer with a fear of the unknown per se. What is scary is being scared of something in the future that I am not scared of now.
Hurry up, there is someone knocking at the front door. OK, I'm peeing as fast as I can
(Stephen Colbert talking to a Senator for Tennessee.) You won an award for ethics. It paid off for you. Doesn't that represent a conflict of interests?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ( Found here, said by Albert Einstein)
Cut his ears off and send them to the marshall..." (Robert Duvall in Broken Trail trying to be funny? His nephew had just shot Big Ears Bywaters, thus preventing Big Ears from nailing Duvall's nuts to a plank!)
As a kid, "How could you remember a friend farting in assembly six months back, but not a word your teacher said yesterday?
Save the whales, trade them for valuable prizes (Seen on a baby's bib!)
...while war crimes had been committed, there had been no intent to commit genocide!" (An unbelievable rather than funny UN stance on atrocities in Sudan)
With a head like that, no wonder she can levitate. (Prompted by a scene in a documentary on Criss Angel)
The audience made me feel as welcome as a fart in a space suit. (Billy Connolly).
Old Chinese proverb!!!!! Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
People say I'm cheap, but I only eat out of rich people's trash cans.
"I don’t have a boyfriend right now. I’m looking for anyone with a job that I don’t have to support. - Anna Nicole Smith”
(Found on Melissa's place) A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Oscar Wilde asks Sarah Bernhardt,. "Do you mind if I smoke?" She replies "I don't care if you burn to the ground.
An editor to her new journalist. If you have nothing new to say, shut the f*** up!
.................................................................. . Oh, it appears that my microphone was turned off.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - WC Fields
When French speakers swear, do they say "Excuse my English?
Astronauts preparing for takeoff: Doors and windows?" "Check & closed." "Seat belts & harnesses?" "On." "Diapers?" "Checked!"
One day in February isn't special, but you are." From anti-Valentine site
Hey, why don't you try the crab?" "I'm allergic to crab." "I know." (Scene from Denzel Washington film)
After 3 weeks of aggravation to get one condo hooked up with Comcast : If I have to go through that 58 times, it's gonna be ugly." Supervisor !
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports
A father walks into a supermarket and says to his 4 year old . "OK, son, check the fruit prices real carefully. They just had a California freeze."
If you say 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong would Adolf Hitler say 10000 left testicles won't make a right one.?
How can I soar like an eagle if I mix with turkeys?
A fool and his money are often out partying.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three French council workers forget their shovels. They ask their supervisor what to do while they await replacements. "I dunno, find something else to lean on"
French bureaucrats make great husbands. They never come home from work tired & they already read the paper
If girls are supposed to smell of sugar and spice and all things nice, why does mine smell of tuna? (The Sisters of Bad Taste tested and approved this)
After months of criticising Scion Xb cars, we finally got one. Well, it got us at a junction, and now lies half buried in the hood of our Toyota
This is for Mum, Dad, Darren, and Davina, who gave me their love and support throughout the writing of this book, even though I had to explain it all using plasticine dinosaurs. Cameron from Sitepoint...
Well here we are again, stuck at home eating chips, swilling beer, wasting the welfare check on second hand condoms, hanging the toilet paper out to dry for a repeat performance, the usual stuff.
Full story by Ed the Editor
The Evohe carries substantial fuel reserves, produces her own fresh water and is equipped with large freezers.
-Steve Kafka skipper of Arctic boat, Evohe
I thought it would be good to finish with macho man from the ice age who doesn't do anything around the house except drink beers
Torres, inventor of the "your turn" washing machine
(Despite) staging 250 campaign events to publicize it (...) this rollout caused so few ripples that its participants might as well have been in the witness protection program. Frank Rich on the brilliance of US Democrats (the non-Bushies for you foreign readers) at losing elections from a strong position.
Mauritanian Legion of Honour, (awarded to Larry Pardey) as Captain of first American team to sail across the Sahara Desert in a land yacht,1966 ; by Lin and Larry Pardey.
SIERRA AND BIANCA Casady, the half-Cherokee sisters who call themselves CocoRosie, have U.S. passports but wrote their debut in their creaky Paris apartment and, by the sound of things, recorded it on Mars. Josh Tyrangiel - Time Magazine
"You took my castle."
"That's right, you took my castle, I took yours, we're even!"
Not two realtors, but a chess fanatic guy on his cell phone in a supermarket.
The republicans stay the course.
What, a collision course?
Revver Film School video, Take Back the Capitol
They drive back from the office, step out of their Escalade and walk 5 paces in their $300 shoes to the house where the lambswool carpet and air-con awaits. That isn't living. Being in a boat with the sea raging, winds howling and only your resolve to get your through - now that's living.
An instructor at JWorld Annapolis
After legal advice, I published a worldwide adult contact publication even though it wasn't my sort of thing. It did prove to be amazingly profitable! An honest comment from Mike!
"form-fit offers smooth, snug..." advert for a case for a 2G iPod nano, not a condom
Using the reverse of "fan", and taking the first 3 letter of "Commodore" equals "Nafcom"! Nafcom handle story!
Scrape my bollocks from my thighs with a spatula (One sweaty hiker to another)
Are you familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog
Error 666, hard drive possessed.
 |  |  |
| "Your name" is a Kiva lender | "Your site's screenshot" SmartLink Widget | Funny HQ humor store |
I am not an alcoholic, I only drink myself unconscious when I have problems.
My father's last words. "oh, a truck."
Chocolate plus booze plus Barry White equals panty dropper. (The sibling of I Eat Snowman Poop)
Your Village Called, they Want Their Idiot Back
Women are only fit for carrying out menial tasks such as washing and cooking, as well as the odd vigourous bout of intercourse. (Lord Likely)
Your denial knows no boundaries. (Web Pen special)
91.432% of statistics are made up on the spot (Plooptionary)
The masochist said hit me, the sadist said no.
I Eat Snowman Poop - As Part of a Calorie Controlled Diet
Considering the educational prowess of the average builder, how hard can it be to build a house? (Ed, a former builder)
Keep your paws off the computer screen and watch the video like a normal cat.
Sometimes I had to turn my head to the side so I didn't blow chunks - (Greenhorn crab fisherman on Deadliest Catch.)
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
 |  |  |
| "Your name" is a Kiva lender | "Your site's screenshot" SmartLink Widget | Funny HQ humor store |
Woman to man: Which of these bear hugs is stronger, this one, or... this one. Man to woman: If that is a bear hug, I think strong is the wrong word.
Stamped on a customer services agent wrist tag: "If you find me in a car accident, please phone my boss to say I will be late for work: the number is 312-234-5674; ext 2; press 4; press 2; say Yes, say No, press 1; wait 11 minutes. Thank you, I value your assistance.
Sort of like a hug, but without any touching, and it costs $19 (John Gruber selling subscriptions (t-shirt included) to his Daring Fireball blog)
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)
If we were meant to be vegetarian, why did god make animals out of meat. Why not tofu? (Dan Nainan)
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Henry Weinberger)
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made. (John Berryman)
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. (Homer Simpson)
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. (George Carlin)
A blogger is a fool, who, not content with boring those living with him, insists on tormenting the general public. (Modified Montesquieu quote)
Si vous aviez faites vos devoirs ( an horrendous grammatical error from a French teacher on The Craft who should have done his homework)
Is she giving up sex for a human year or a dog year? - Seth Herzog on Paris Hilton's recent announcement.
First, I apologize for my English, I am French (I apologize for this too) ;) (A Snapview contributor)
The motto for NGO, World Vision, should be One world no vision.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. (Harry Allen Smith)
Driver is banned for going 160mph. Judge: You are so irresponsible, driving your car as fast as it will go. Driver: That isn't as fast as it will go, I've had 180 out of it before (True story from UK)
I don't suffer with a fear of the unknown per se. What is scary is being scared of something in the future that I am not scared of now.
Hurry up, there is someone knocking at the front door. OK, I'm peeing as fast as I can
(Stephen Colbert talking to a Senator for Tennessee.) You won an award for ethics. It paid off for you. Doesn't that represent a conflict of interests?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ( Found here, said by Albert Einstein)
Cut his ears off and send them to the marshall..." (Robert Duvall in Broken Trail trying to be funny? His nephew had just shot Big Ears Bywaters, thus preventing Big Ears from nailing Duvall's nuts to a plank!)
As a kid, "How could you remember a friend farting in assembly six months back, but not a word your teacher said yesterday?
Save the whales, trade them for valuable prizes (Seen on a baby's bib!)
...while war crimes had been committed, there had been no intent to commit genocide!" (An unbelievable rather than funny UN stance on atrocities in Sudan)
With a head like that, no wonder she can levitate. (Prompted by a scene in a documentary on Criss Angel)
The audience made me feel as welcome as a fart in a space suit. (Billy Connolly).
Old Chinese proverb!!!!! Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
 |  |  |
| "Your name" is a Kiva lender | "Your site's screenshot" SmartLink Widget | Funny HQ humor store |
People say I'm cheap, but I only eat out of rich people's trash cans.
"I don’t have a boyfriend right now. I’m looking for anyone with a job that I don’t have to support. - Anna Nicole Smith”
(Found on Melissa's place) A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Oscar Wilde asks Sarah Bernhardt,. "Do you mind if I smoke?" She replies "I don't care if you burn to the ground.
An editor to her new journalist. If you have nothing new to say, shut the f*** up!
.................................................................. . Oh, it appears that my microphone was turned off.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - WC Fields
When French speakers swear, do they say "Excuse my English?
Astronauts preparing for takeoff: Doors and windows?" "Check & closed." "Seat belts & harnesses?" "On." "Diapers?" "Checked!"
One day in February isn't special, but you are." From anti-Valentine site
Hey, why don't you try the crab?" "I'm allergic to crab." "I know." (Scene from Denzel Washington film)
After 3 weeks of aggravation to get one condo hooked up with Comcast : If I have to go through that 58 times, it's gonna be ugly." Supervisor !
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports
A father walks into a supermarket and says to his 4 year old . "OK, son, check the fruit prices real carefully. They just had a California freeze."
If you say 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong would Adolf Hitler say 10000 left testicles won't make a right one.?
How can I soar like an eagle if I mix with turkeys?
 |  |  |
| "Your name" is a Kiva lender | "Your site's screenshot" SmartLink Widget | Funny HQ humor store |
A fool and his money are often out partying.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three French council workers forget their shovels. They ask their supervisor what to do while they await replacements. "I dunno, find something else to lean on"
French bureaucrats make great husbands. They never come home from work tired & they already read the paper
If girls are supposed to smell of sugar and spice and all things nice, why does mine smell of tuna? (The Sisters of Bad Taste tested and approved this)
After months of criticising Scion Xb cars, we finally got one. Well, it got us at a junction, and now lies half buried in the hood of our Toyota
This is for Mum, Dad, Darren, and Davina, who gave me their love and support throughout the writing of this book, even though I had to explain it all using plasticine dinosaurs. Cameron from Sitepoint...
Well here we are again, stuck at home eating chips, swilling beer, wasting the welfare check on second hand condoms, hanging the toilet paper out to dry for a repeat performance, the usual stuff.
Full story by Ed the Editor
The Evohe carries substantial fuel reserves, produces her own fresh water and is equipped with large freezers.
-Steve Kafka skipper of Arctic boat, Evohe
I thought it would be good to finish with macho man from the ice age who doesn't do anything around the house except drink beers
Torres, inventor of the "your turn" washing machine
(Despite) staging 250 campaign events to publicize it (...) this rollout caused so few ripples that its participants might as well have been in the witness protection program. Frank Rich on the brilliance of US Democrats (the non-Bushies for you foreign readers) at losing elections from a strong position.
Mauritanian Legion of Honour, (awarded to Larry Pardey) as Captain of first American team to sail across the Sahara Desert in a land yacht,1966 ; by Lin and Larry Pardey.
SIERRA AND BIANCA Casady, the half-Cherokee sisters who call themselves CocoRosie, have U.S. passports but wrote their debut in their creaky Paris apartment and, by the sound of things, recorded it on Mars. Josh Tyrangiel - Time Magazine
"You took my castle."
"That's right, you took my castle, I took yours, we're even!"
Not two realtors, but a chess fanatic guy on his cell phone in a supermarket.
The republicans stay the course.
What, a collision course?
Revver Film School video, Take Back the Capitol
They drive back from the office, step out of their Escalade and walk 5 paces in their $300 shoes to the house where the lambswool carpet and air-con awaits. That isn't living. Being in a boat with the sea raging, winds howling and only your resolve to get your through - now that's living.
An instructor at JWorld Annapolis
After legal advice, I published a worldwide adult contact publication even though it wasn't my sort of thing. It did prove to be amazingly profitable! An honest comment from Mike!
"form-fit offers smooth, snug..." advert for a case for a 2G iPod nano, not a condom
Using the reverse of "fan", and taking the first 3 letter of "Commodore" equals "Nafcom"! Nafcom handle story!
 |  |  |
| "Your name" is a Kiva lender | "Your site's screenshot" SmartLink Widget | Funny HQ humor store |
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