As an open-minded sport, it isn't often I think, "Ouch, I wouldn't want to give that a go!" and I am not prone to shriek with laughter, but when I saw this and other photos from Michael Zauels, I thought and did exactly that. What are these people thinking, putting their horses through that embarrassing, sweaty ordeal?Is there no shame in France, trotting around with titties and chest hair blowing in the wind, appendages bouncing in time to a stud's steps? Apparently not. There is a whole community of nude cavaliers enjoying the open air pursuit, unfettered by self consciousness.

I don't know if they are on a membership drive, but if you feel so inclined to let more than your hair down en France this summer, give them a call.

The Ed, a guy with modest aspirations, is asking folks to send him money towards his Hummer fund. I first came across him a few months back and I can assure you, progress is being made. Looking at his money line, I think it is safe to say Ed has moved from $200 to the grand total of approximately $260. Judge for yourself, as I am not great at interpreting data, and a little color blind. Perhaps the fund-raising is going better than at first sight and he has $260 to go?

Ed the Editor inner tube fund

I can assure you, this Ed is not in the market for a luxury vehicle, so no pleas for money today. Although if there are any souls feeling generous, I could do with a 26 x 1.5" inner tube for my mountain bike! The 7th patch isn't lasting too well and the valve is beginning to rust. In return for a donation, I will give you a 30 mile "backy ride" around your favorite national park. I have a saddle that looks like it will sever your butt in two, but it is surprisingly comfortable once you get used to the bruising.

However, if that incentive is just too much to bear, and you can't see your way to helping me, at least send Ed some Hummer money. A ride on the back of his vehicle should be much more fun - when you are 93 and Hummers are vintage cars once more.

If this was my mother out shopping, I would be very afraid for her. The character sitting at the lights was wider than she was tall, and when hunched over her glorified sit down scooter she couldn't have been more than a yard high. That isn't much of a target for hit and run drivers.

We screeched around the carpark like idiots to get a better shot of her, and had a few nasty stares from a big tough pick-up driver who thought we were chasing HIM. Whatever.

The pick-up driver in the picture must have been rubbing his eyes to make sure he was seeing straight. And once the guy behind her computed that it was not a joke, for once there was no macho bullshit revving in readiness to overtake her. and he gave her so much space, it was ridiculous. We watched as the cars in line just sat and idled and when the lights turned red, off she went, accelerating away slower than she could hobble, leading a 2mph procession across the intersection.

Is it legal? Well, it is certainly dangerous, but I think, just like a cyclist, she has certain rights, and sure, she can potter down the street if she wants and if an impatient driver takes her out, she can retire gracefully on the pay-out.

Oh, I have been reminded, she is retired already. That's why she is riding in a $400 vehicle that doesn't guzzle gas and her shopping consists of Past their sell by date food at 50% off. Right. OK, Maybe she should don her body armor and helmet and try for an accident. Just to be doubly sure of a pay-out, I suggest she flies a big banner behind her saying "Only hit Me if You Are Insured" .

I translated "hasta la vista baby" in Babel... it gave me "bebé de Vista del la del hasta"

Thank you Babel... I'll make sure not to use it on my travels!

Courtesy of Mrs Ed, translator and multi-linguist supreme, who was preparing for her Spanish vacation....and brushing up on a few catch phrases. It goes on.

¿cuál está encima de tipo? was the suggestion Babel gave her when she typed "Whats up dude?"

Babel's answer literally means What is there on top of guy?

Another dude?

I daren't ask.

Got any other weird translations. Leave them in the comments.

There was no time to sit by a pool provided for the homeowners in the complex we just left. Just as well, as the association are so paranoid about being sued they are making it as hard as possible to even sit by the water-filled death pit.

I was smelling the cow manure as it was explained to me that if a 2-year old kid vaulted the perimeter fencing of the complex, found its way to the pool area, broke through that fence and then drowned itself, all hell would break loose, legally. No shit.

Apparently it isn't good enough to have private property and enjoy your own pool. You have to have superbaby-proof private property and parental supervision facilities for all children in your city. I wish I was a lawyer dealing with a law suit from a negligent parent suing an association for having a fenced-in pool inside their own grounds. It would be with great pleasure that I counter-sued their ass for frivolous action and a waste of tax payers' money.

The builder in charge of the complex didn't see those remarks as funny, but then again, he is so overwhelmed with money from house sales, he doesn't know up from down right now.

This photo of a drunk from Norman Roberts reminded me of a great Christmas story.

Imagine an alcoholics greatest fantasy - to be locked in a drinks store over Christmas. It happened in a UK store many years ago. Somehow a homeless guy evaded security and was able to spend from Christmas Eve night to 27th December am with free rein in the shop. It was too much temptation for him, though, and instead of spreading his debauchery over a long period of time, he went straight for a bottle of scotch and drunk it straight back.

Apart from a couple of cans of beer and assorted chocolates, that was all he managed to "steal" before the shop owners, still full of Christmas spirit, found him sleeping off his hangover. After totting up the value of his robbery, all of £30, they let him go. Perhaps if he had had a taste for vintage champagne or cognac, the repercussions may have been more severe, but for once, living cheap had its advantages.

We spotted this retired couple leaving the supermarket and I couldn't help myself.

Either these oldies are really hip or that is a golf cart to die for and they got really lost.

Human body language

In this test confused happiness with disgust and anger with surprise, (there must be a link there somewhere.) Apart from that, I managed to work out the micro expressions of the people featured.

This is hosted over at cio. Try it yourself and see if you could become a sharp interviewer, or CSI detective!

Thanks to Mike the Body (language) for this lead.

We were watching one of those true life crime investigations. The story was a gruesome twist of jealousy murder and intrigue. One intriguing aspect was why did she not leave her adulterous husband instead of killing him? The judge would have given her all the money and property she needed. She didn't think of that angle, though, and instead went for the jugular.

Next scene, we hear, The woman runs over her husband 10 times. Someone tries to resuscitate him and his teeth came out in their hand. I went pale at the picture of this jaw lying on the gravel, and then burst out loud when my dainty wife with an iron stomach quipped, "Well, he was a dentist!" Like that made it alright, then!

I am totally disgusted with this scammer. Trying to buy my personal details for a measly $500k AND 55 cents. Perlease, for $5m you can have everything there is to know about me, but for that paltry sum, (and what is it with the 55 cents?) my lips are sealed, Miss favour.

Dear friend,
I am very happy to inform you about my success in getting that fund.
Now, I want you to contact my secretary on the information below:

Name: Miss Favour.
E-mail: missfavourx2@yahoo.de
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Ask her to send to you the total sum of ($500,000.55) US dollars in a
bank draft,
which I kept for your compensation. So conatct her immediately on her
e-mail:
(missfavourx2@yahoo.de) and send her the below information to enable
her deliver your bank draft to you.

1.YOUR FULL NAME:_________________
2.YOUR ADDRESS:____________________________
3.TELEPHONE NUMBER:___________
4.OCCUPATION:_________________

Regards,
Mr. John Kofi

This is inspired by a transatlantic flight on Air India, JFK to Heathrow. I would like to make it perfectly clear that it was a really smooth flight with impeccable service and very tasty food. And for $276, what more do you want?! But as a pisstaker, I am obliged to find the satirical content in a delightful experience.

Air India episode no. 1

Air stewardess: I am sorry, sir, we only have mutton curry.

The self-confessed white Yankee American passenger next to me paled. He had just ordered the bland chicken and made a point of telling everyone around him that his introduction to real Indian food was not going to take place on an airplane.

Fortunately, air travel broadened this man's mind very rapidly and he dug into a hearty meal and enjoyed it - really.

I was going to tell him about the time I challenged a chef at an Indian restaurant. The deal was that he couldn't cook me a meal too hot to eat. Let's just say, neither of us won, in fact we were both losers, me with my face and ass on fire and him bragging that he had made an inedible meal.

Air India episode no 2

Captain over intercom: The current time, ladies and gentlemen, is 58 minutes after 7.

Quite a few passengers were looking around in disbelief at the Calcutta captain's abject attempt at telling the time. A neighbor added, "For the benefit of those new to clocks, that means it's 2 minutes to 8!"

And when the plane landed at 7.68, this passenger was relieved to arrive safe and sound, sane and on the ground in one piece, stomach intact.

Thanks Air India for flying a pisstaker so far for so little with so much food and kindly service.

Had any heart-stopping experiences on a plane?

Government offices are required to provide translation services for almost everyone. Just point to the language of your choice on the list and the appropriate translator will be called up to represent you. Good news if you are patient, I suppose. Can't imagine Hicksville USA Social Security office being staffed by a tagalog speaker. Or maybe I am wrong. Try it.

Go into a Government building with a megaphone and holler chutiya, If anyone understands you, you will get a good kick. If they don't, you will probably be locked up under a different by-law: being loud and illiterate in a public building.

Anyway, without looking up in Google, do you know who speaks Tagalog? Mabuti suwerte.




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I wrote a couple of pieces on What's in a name? I explore the name game a bit further, looking at the credibility, or lack of it inspired by a name.

Rent a wreck is clearly a joke name, right?

As a tactic to attract attention to a reliable car rental company, Rent a Wreck is a winning name. It can't be literal! Who, apart from diving schools actually rent wrecks? But there must be lots of potential customers who take one look at the name and walk on by. They are the losers.

The Pisstakers suffers from misinterpretation too, judging by the reaction of many linguistically challenged (or is it prudish) souls who assume that we extract urine, literally. Relax, just check Wikipedia and you will see that we do in fact extract the michael - reliably.

Bodgit and Leggit detractors misread the self deprecation

Many believed that the name reflected an unreliable window installation service. (As if you would say, hey we are crap, unreliable, give us your money and watch us run like hell!)

It is the same here at the Pisstakers ie many visitors think you couldn't possibly read anything valid, enlightening or serious, especially about subjects like tech or news. To put the record straight, we couldn't possibly satirise or ridicule topics that aren't true, else that would be called creative writing. There is nothing creative about the posts here!

Credibility comes at a price

Rent a Wreck clients get a good deal, but the folks who need the peace of mind that comes with renting from straightforwardly named companies pay a premium. Hertz, Avis and "The small print requires us to charge you for every possible extra" Budget take their clients for every penny with a credible corporate smile on their face.

Likewise, for seekers of news, there is a price to pay for taking the easy path to reliable news sites - you get to read articles from experts that wreck the truth with mind-numbing accuracy and correct journalism.

Names that backfire

Sometimes attention grabbing names generate shocking results. As they say at games.net:

Would you buy a video game console called the Wonder Swan? How about the Turbo Duo? Or the Vectrex?

Not that they are bad products, but if Wii and X Box sales are anything to go by, the public thinks they are flaky.

In an article about business names, I highlighted a debate at Ask Pud where it was argued that offshoots of recognised brands should make a stand and have a completely different name to that of the parent company. So Flickr works well, whereas Yahoo Photos may not have enjoyed the same success. That argument made sense until Google came along and blew the theory sky high with the abandonment of Froogle, their shopping division. (Thanks to techboggle for that lead.)

I never realised Froogle was a play on Frugal, my bad, but now the credibility of froogle has been restored with a new name. The purpose of Google Product Search is as clear as day - a dull, rainy, frugally creative day. I say, live a bit, even if it confuses your customers - like Bacon Products.

What's in a credible name when it comes to people?

Parents, choose your kids' names well! How credible is the word of a guy called Dick? Would you follow a vice president called Vagina? Read Legend of the "kid named Eczema" and others to see some faux pas extraordinaires..

There, that is your dose of educational hypothesising for another day. You can go read Fox News and Wikipedia (Watch)for more believable stuff than found at The Pisstakers.

And cautious car renters, we at The Pisstakers salute your wise choices and sense of adventure, from the bottom of our self deprecating ass.

I came across horsey blog, Everyday Rider, It caught my attention, not as a Pisstaker, but as someone whose wife is getting into horse training. I should point out that I too am happy to participate in the merry dance being led by the most frustrating smart and obstinate Arabian horse unhung. Or to be more accurate, hung! His knackers are intact only by the grace of me not knowing how to castrate the bastard.

Anyway, I was happy to read Everyday Rider. and my ears pricked up at a post entitled Needles, herbs and Horses - about acupuncture on horses. Bloody mad, I hear you whinny? What is wrong with good old Western treatment?

Western medicine 0 Eastern 1

Well, firstly, good ole vet wannabes with access to all the medication under the sun, couldn't cure a horse's bad back. And neither could all the drugs in the cabinet cure another dodgy horse's eye. But the acupuncturist cured both conditions!

Just because we don't understand why a hot liver would make a horse's eye go bad, doesn't mean it isn't true. And when an alternative practitioner pokes a load of Oriental needles on a horse's face to back up the liver treatment, who are we mere Westerners to argue with needles and herbs? Even the horse with its back feet wrapped around its face believed that whacky treatment was worthy of praise, so I am not going to argue against acupuncture and co. But most people in the West do!

East v West - neither is best.

Alternative medicine is by default different to the norm, else it wouldn't be called alternative! And why do we turn our nose up at so called whacky practices anyway? Can 4 billion Easterners really be wrong. If it was an unhealthy way to care for folks, there wouldn't be 4 billion of them.

As someone whose doctor nearly ex-communicated me for asking for homeopathic asthma treatment (that had worked!), and then prescribed some years later a totally brilliant asthma drug, I suggest that we should just accept that everything has its place, noone can cure everything all the time.

I should just point out that stallions are lovely animals that only misbehave when they are confused by humans or aren't being treated like stallions. And no animal was hurt in the writing of this article.

I have only ever known Michael More as a chubby, comfortably commissioned documentary film maker. He had a makeover though and this is the result.

There are some really clever people out there armed with photoshop, and plenty of stars who make perfect candidates for slimming down. Check out Fasting Time.

Apparently, as China's affluence increases, so the flood of Chinese tourists to Britain grows. As with all new trends, there are growing pains, and it seems the visitors from the world's most populous country are making a bad name for themselves. They are deemed loud, rude and obnoxious travellers, by hoteliers. So the Chinese Government is stepping in to stop the rot.

Ever alert for an opportunity to exert control over their own, and build up a good name for their country at the same time, China's leaders are issuing tips to travellers: on how to behave in Britain.

Talk to the dog!

The advice for China guys and their travelling dolls: remember to address the dog when asking for directions to the latest greatest UK tourist attractions.

It makes sense too! If you ever go out for a stroll in the park or along the street, it is interesting to observe how Brits behave when they encounter a friend or acquaintance out walking their dog. They will both invariably lower their gaze towards the dog and then start the conversation.

"Hello, Fred, lovely day for walking the dog, isn't it!"

"Yes, Daphne, a lovely day. And how is your husband, er ..."

Stroking the dog's head, "Oh, him, the same as usual."

Crouching down, rubbing dog's ears, "Oh that's good," he replies. "Good bye."

"Good bye."

Then without even making eye contact, the two move off in different directions, feeling all the better for having broken down some of their British reserve. See, it makes sense to conduct any conversation via a dog!

Don't ask where your fellow diner is going!

It is typically British to eat a hearty lunch of eggs, baked beans and chips, and before the last mouthful, feel an urge to go to the bathroom. Rather than just say, "I'm off for a pee." they will carefully put down their cutlery, catch the attention of the host, mouth their need to go to the loo and silently glide towards the door.

So, the advice for China guys and their travelling dolls wishing to observe correct table etiquette: play fair, and please don't ask people who leave the table before the end of the meal where they are going!

Ever met a real Chinese tourist? What were they like?

Have you seen our humungous list of questions on the aptly named Good Questions page

To mark our 100th post in quirky news, Ed is adding his own personal touches to The Pisstakers with a personal blog corner. To be more precise it is a blog bottom at the bottom of the homepage, out the way. Nothing too earth shattering, just an occasional comment or observation that The Pisstakers could never get away with - or wouldn't be interested in.

2 teenage brothers were each given 10 years in prison for torturing a puppy. They cooked it it in an oven. Digital Journal. This is not remotely funny so don't look for a cheap shot here! However, what was amusing was recalling the story of the stupid woman who, in the early days of microwaves, accidentally fried her cat's intestines while trying to dry it off.

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The Pisstakers have moved in the real world, hence no updates these last two days. But don't despair, we are itching to get back into the groove.

Its snow time!

Ever the optimists we thought we would find a few minutes a day to keep posting. However, thanks to a freak snow storm and ensuing exhaustion from a journey that took twice as long as planned, there was no time to even give thanks for arriving alive.

We hope to keep the blog alive till we settle in properly, at which time the posts will be coming thick and fast again.

An announcement from Budget

Wrap up well in the cold weather, and remember, Budget vans rock - when you jump on the brakes and hit the snow banks on either side of the freeway.

If you arrived by one of the following methods, then, congratulations are in order for finding this needle in a haystack. First off: You googled "Piss". Well, shame on you!

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Now we don't know if movie screen shots are allowable or not under Fair Use, but wouldn't it be funny if Apple told us to take such an image off our site! If they host the movie clips, and the screenshot was made on their hardware by someone wishing to publicise a product on Apple's website for Apple's roundabout benefit,...

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There is no point trying to satirise the characters highlighted in an amazing list. A guy with fetus in fetu is not deserving of ridicule; a Japanese world war 2 soldier who surrendered in 1974 deserves pity; and the Algerian real-life inspiration for the Tom Hanks' film, The Terminal, deserves an Oscar. This is the list

Say hi to Buster, children, he is a little different, shall we say. He reminds me of a nasty little character in a show called Dr Who. Used to creep into beds and bite victims' necks while they slept.

The creator, Cliff Michaels, has the following disturbing message for all fans of this less than handsome infant.

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A guy walks into Fed Ex and seems to be wandering around aimlessly. The counter clerk looks over at him nervously.

"Can I help you, sir?"

He walks up to the desk and smiles.

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Another day in Pisstakers Paradise. Ed joined a forum called Writers' Beat and introduced himself. Everyone said hi to Pisstaker, except one guy who couldn't bring himself to write the word piss. He called Ed, Ptaker.

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The Onion is the biggest thing in satire, They are really clever, like this advert for the personal section.

In-you-end-oh! Do you get it? Bet it didn't occur to you that the Onion tries to be funny even in a personal ad.

Oops, humor alert. Just like their articles, it doesn't always come off though!

It was a simple premise at the bikers' forum visor.com. Each post had to be 5 words exactly and carry on "logically" from the preceding 5 word post. End of rules. Go! They tried to kill the story within 2 pages but the user base were having none of it.

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The first cop leg-shooting incident of the week occurred when a policeman from Morris County, New Jersey, was putting his sidearm back into his holster after checking in a criminal. Somehow, against all the rules, the safety was off and he accidentally shot himself in the leg. He was given a big hug and told off for being silly.

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Two anecdotes from today's walk to the shops. One large female, smoking in her stationary executive car directs her young son at the kerbside. "Ready, honey, put the cones in the space when I pull out." (Like a good citizen? I don't think so.) If you want a guaranteed parking spot outside your house, lady, move to the country, or stomp up tens of thousands of dollars for your own garage.

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