Selvakumar, an Indian guy, married a dog as part of his penance for a terrible crime he committed as a younger man.

At first glance, a marriage to a dog may not sound like news, especially if you have ever looked through the photos in some less-than-picky marriage websites. And it wouldn't be the first time a glowing bridezilla had been called a bitch walking down the aisle. The penance angle may also be no big deal to you, if you are the sort of person who can forgive people for crimes against humanity.

But where I come from, this story is beeeezarrrooo.

Selvakumar really did marry a canine beastie called Sulvi, and he pledged himself to her for life, to try and atone for crimes against dogmanity. He brutally killed 2 dogs and strung them up from a tree for good measure. On that basis, murderers should just propose to their victim's brother or sister, and live happily ever after.

The astrologist adviser, who set Selvakumar on this interesting path to good kharma, made it very easy for him, with a step by step list of requirements. He dressed Sulvi, a cute stray, like a real Indian bride, veil, sari and all. With an eye for detail, he gave her a garland and ring, but the dog drew the line at a necklace, having been fully briefed beforehand about the groom's propensity for hanging dogs from the nearest bough.

Sulvi's maid of honor, a Shiatzu-hyena cross, helped her with the garter, and slipped a couple of doggie biscuits into her cleavage, in case she got peckish during the 3 day ceremony.

We are not sure if they consummated the marriage. There are vicious rumors that the groom had to sell his bride back to the astrologer on the wedding night, as part of the advice payment plan.

If we hear any more about this shaggy dog story, rest assured, we will treat it with the dignity and respect it deserves in the 21st century.

Thanks Diane Smith for a good lead.

There was a gruesome story on the radio about a repeat violent offender who was having pre-prison term sex with his girlfriend at his mom's house. Apparently, mid passion attack, she made the mistake of asking if it was OK to date other guys, seeing as he was going away for years and years. It was the last dumb question she ever asked of that particular nut case.

The mother, who was downstairs minding her own business, heard an almighty racket going on upstairs and is quoted as saying, "That didn't sound like no sex hollering." Of course, the mistress of the understatement was right, and when she went upstairs to find out what was going on, she witnessed her lovely son beating the final breaths out of his girlfriend.

For more wholesome domestic stories from a presenter who sounds like Kermit the Frog, tune into the Jersey Guys!

According to Reuters, the Togo art of decapitation is alive and well. 12 people dead.

It appears that the protagonists of recent ritual murders think that by removing other people's body parts, they will improve their own social standing and feel better about themselves! Each to their own.

Unlike the selective Western approach to improved self-esteem - nip and chin tucks, ear trims and nose jobs on your own body - the Togoans prefer the one cut suits me approach. The slash and run murders have left a dozen people headless, and left millions of us civilised folks shaking our heads in disbelief. If decapitation of another human being really were the answer to feling better about yourself better, don't you think it would have caught on here a long time ago?

Perhaps we did try it out, but our ancestors wimped out and drew the line at the saying Two heads are better than one.

Perhaps in voodoo land they have it right. Afterall, why let a 12 year old child live a full life when a deluded murderer could have a better time of it with the innocent kid's head hanging on his bedroom wall.

All very disturbing, and to ease the pain for the millions who don't know where Togo is, it is next to Nigeria.

I am all for renovating classic boats, homes, palaces and things of architectural importance, but have the wooden boat rescue brigade gone too far down memory lane with this speed boat? It looks like it was built in the days before engines and proper paint. In fact, it looks like it fossilised back in the day of pterodactyls and impending Ice Ages. Or was it a prototype from Noah's yard?



Boat or bonfire, what do you think?

I have logged this post about Postapoo under Lifestyle, just to keep things tidy around here.

Bottom line, back in March I regurgitated a story by Fox News about the plea from Postapoo, urging the Scots to send a poo to their least favorite Englishman on St George's Day. This Scottish victimisation of the English was untrue. In fact, every inhabitant of the British isles was invited to celebrate in similar fashion on their saint's day too.

Here is the confirmation story sent to me straight from the horse's mouth at Poo HQ.

To clarify, we (PostaPoo.com) did not urge anyone to send a poo to an Englishman they hate but to their "favourite, or least favourite Englishman" - an ironic celebration of the national day and just like the promotion for St. Patrick's Day and St. Andrew's and St. David's Day. Poor reporting gone bad indeed.

So there we have it. In the true tradition of satirical reporting, Fox made sure that the facts did not get in the way of a better headline-grabbing story.

If you feel the urge to gift a favorite person with one of these non-aromatic turds, you know where to go. Don't worry, they shit world-wide and customs have been advised to pass them through unopened.

For a classier gift, perhaps they could offer Poo in a Prada Shoe for a favorite ex. And perhaps newspaper editors could Give a Shit to the most vociferous of their complaining readers. Any more ideas? I would ask you to Stumble Upon this article but that may be a step too far.

Well I never!

In the news Tuesday, the rising popularity of Frozen Beer on a stick, or Hopsicle as the restaurateur is calling his latest creation, is raising concerns amongst anti-fun lobbyists and traffic cops. The Pisstakers can reveal that if legislators have their way, Sucking and driving will soon be illegal in the North East of America.

What the politicos say about hopsicles

No way should there be so much fun on a stick, says one politician.

Way says the Environmental lobby trying to reduce brown paper bag usage amongst alcoholics. This is the perfect vehicle for transporting your alcoholic beverage of choice in public without littering.

The police's voice of reason

Police are saying No way for the highway. There is currently no law to prevent you sucking a lollipop while driving, but consuming alcohol at the wheel will get you jailed. So anti hopsiclist cops suggest Two sucks and you are banned. That should keep the revenues rolling in - and as a spin off, keep the roads safe.

However the financial implications of stopping vehicles and testing the alcohol content of lollipops and ice creams has some police wincing. New Jersey police spokesman, Adolf Nofun, commented, Controlling use of this product will bring traffic to a stop and prevent the police from carrying out more important law enforcement duties, like ticketing parents for smoking in a car full of kids.

Family welfare agencies are also worried. If Moms are caught sucking a Hopsicle while smoking on the school run, thousands of families will be without an irresponsible mother for months at a time. They are therefore fighting any anti-Hopsicle legislation with a condescending passion.

Paris Hilton on Hopsicles

And finally, after being locked up for drunk driving, sex on a stick media whore, Paris Hilton, has been reported as saying that she is now angling to become the first celebrity to be jailed and counseled repeatedly for sucking and driving. Hugh Grant was only embarrassed by Devine Brown beyond all reasonable doubt when caught being sucked while a passenger in a taxi, so Paris has a legitimate claim if she pulls this next publicity stunt off.

The Pisstakers, however, are questioning why there is any issue at all, because as far as they know, the alcoholic content of North American beers is so low that the frozen beer Hopsicle is barely more intoxicating than a frozen wine gum!



We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase Cadillac CTS ad or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Tags: legal, alcohol

This is an experimental format. The video beneath the article may load fast or slow, and may fit on the page, who knows with Beta stuff? Please persevere too if there is a short intrusive ad ahead of a really useful but totally random news report.

It seems as if the Nigerians have had enough of the oil-related economic mess they are in and gone on strike. I wonder who will pay the first bribe to get them all back to work?

Go on, here's 50 cents off your next shanty house purchase and a 2 cents a gallon coupon off of gas for the car you cannot afford to buy. And by the way, forget the billions that multinationals have made in the course of wrecking your environment with leaky pipe lines and refineries. Hurry, get back to it!

Of course the rip-offs causing the strike action start from the top and conditions are bad even for highly trained Nigerians employed by the oil companies. Ask the off-shore divers to compare pay checks with their ex-pat work mates and then you'll see what I mean.

In terms of a solution, how much for instance would you pay for a gallon to ensure the Nigerians had a decent standard of living? Personally, I have been almost scammed so many times by citizens of that fair land that the extent of my contribution to their well-being is limited to apathetic posts like this, asking you to do something while I do nothing.




We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase Cadillac CTS ad or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Tags: Nigeria, General Strike

There is an "online discussion" going on at the home of graphic genius, Plooptionary. (OK it is one of them meme things) on winning an argument. It caught my interest, but only because it was attracting the attention of a few of the wittier souls in blogging, you understand, not because it is a link love jail bait deal to shoot you up Technorati post haste artificially against all odds just to get you traffic you don't deserve and can't keep because your content is crap.

How to win an argument sounds quite easy to me. All you do is adopt the latest tactics which are to look someone straight in the eye and repeat a lie until it somehow mutates into the truth.

If this blatant trickery fails to work, adopt stage 2, which is to don a snidey smile and nod in agreement at your own lies and disagree wholeheartedly with your adversary's every solid argument.

If that fails to win the argument, just get your gun out and shoot the fucker.

It has worked for ages with the arguments over Iraq.


We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase zwinky or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Tags: Ploop, meme

I knew it, I actually wrote to my siblings yesterday, complaining that the great British choccy creme easter egg from Cadbury has gotten smaller. I couldn't believe that my hands had grown by a factor of 3 since puberty, and as a bit of a chocolate expert / addict, I had this feeling in my blood that the cocoa hit from my 4 eggs wasn't what it should have been.

Anyway, the conspiracy is official, they are getting smaller, Conan's guest says so!

According to BJ Novak, a leading egg expert, Cadbury even laugh at their customers, offering solace with "The eggs aren't smaller, you have got bigger!" Whatever! That guy has been the size of a mal-nourished malteser for years.

Cadburys shame their past!

These creamy chocolate fondant-filled eggs are part of my heritage and so I am a bit peed off, pissed even, that the standards have plummeted so low. They were so popular and so big! By they, I mean Cadbury, the company that makes them. Now they are risking losing credibility.

I had a look at their website and their press releases are a bit thin on the ground. They need to update them, as I am sure that not all the Cadbury Egg stories currently doing the rounds are painting a very good picture.

Cadbury online gooeyness

To be fair to Cadbury as master marketers, their website as a whole is pretty neat, loaded with graphical adventures in candy land. I am not sure if it has a title, but one episode should be called the Great Eggscape. A foiled creme egg burrows its way underground. Probably based on the management attitude - burying their heads in the sand in the face of mounting pressures from the accountants and stock holders to squeeze more profits out of their delightful chocolate eggs.

Egg memories

On a personal note, cause that is what blogging is all about: years ago, there was an advert on TV where this pimply swat with round glasses walks into a sweet shop and asks for 47(?) Cadbury's creme eggs, please. It was hysterical, as he walks out the store with his arms full to bursting with Easter tidings. Do that now, and he would be able to fit them into his pockets.

The funniest thing though, was when my brother spent his first pay check on eggs for everyone. He literally had buckets of them all round the house. I swear he should have been on a commission plan with a dentist, with all the work he drummed up. And when you don't get all the foil off, boy, that gets your fillings!

Got anything to add? Be my guest.

We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase funny stuff or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Are you having trouble opening a bank account?


Are you getting the rubber glove treatment every time you fly out of the country?

Does the phone ring at unexpected times and you get talked to in Arabic till the caller hangs up, realizing you haven't got a clue what they are talking about?

Have you ever tried to rent a room and been refused for no apparent reason? And the list goes on.

Have you gone for flying lessons and the instructor looked at you funny before teaching you to land before you could even take off?

Ever sold a hot dog and ended up in jail even though your hygiene standards are so high they would make MacDonalds seem like a toilet that backed up in 1984 and hasn't been rodded since?

Did a friend at the treasury advise you not to cut Mel Gibson's hair, unless you wanted to risk interrogation and incarceration and a huge fine?

If you answered yes to any of the above scenarios, your name or your customer's name is probably Abdul, Diaz, Lopez, Lucas, Gibson, or Patricia!!

Thanks to Abandon All fear for the link to an original and serious article which I somewhat satirised!

Every aspect of a flight in a 50-seater jet evokes the term "compact". In comparison to a 747, it is a tiny little plane. It is ideal for short-haul, in-and-out speedy travel. Imagine the look on the flight attendant's face when a 490lb lady in a fur coat bellows, "Is it me, or are planes getting smaller these days?"

There was a queue of people dying to tell her the reality of her weight issue, but in America, telling the truth would be deemed as rude, so no one said a word.

Three days later she checked-in at a different airport, weighing a sprightly 522lbs.

The airline had been fighting noise from the accountants to start charging large people for 2 seats instead of one. Assessing the situation and the woman's size and condition, a ticket guy made it clear what he thought of that sort of victimisation of largies. He charged her an excess fare to cover the allocation of 3 seats.

Maybe she should go by motorbike next time!

Fox News say: A Web site called Postapoo.com is urging Scots to send plastic poo to the Englishmen they hate on April 23, St. George's Day (England's national holiday), Sky News reports.

This stinks of nationalism and poor reporting gone mad. The Scots hate the English, and...? So what, we all know that, but Fox News and Sky don't.

Also, it sounds kind of funny, the idea that big brawny Braveheart Scotsmen and women would reduce themselves to scooping plastic feces into an envelope to get back at an Englishman on St George's Day.

Why don't they deliver the poo in person? Helloooo, I come bearing gifts, ye sassenach bastard. Answer, because such demeaning behavior would reflect badly on them, and detract from their argument that they are responsible enough to run their own affairs without any help.

Nationalism is a stinky business.

This story from the Cincinnati Enquirer is disgraceful. How could anyone be so dumb as to go to a Walgreens to sell a baby? Surely Oilily would have been a better bet! As they say, to get the best price you need the best class of customer.

The BBC came up with a disturbing story about a criminal evading justice. Usually it is a deranged judge with weird attitudes to child abuse or religion who lets bad people go. Yesterday, though, a criminal's friends stepped in and saved the courts from confounding us all and letting the wrong one off.

A man in police custody escaped after three men armed with knives attacked a security van outside a court, Greater Manchester Police have said.

Nicole Martinelli for Wired News says: Researchers (in Milan) are investigating the subjective acoustic qualities of church architecture in one of the most extensive scientific inquiries yet.

Sounds like a load of irreligious twaddle from the land of Popes, Pavaroti and delicious ice cream. I am no acoustic scientist, but when you pray to the white porcelain god, the sounds of release from drink-induced sickness reverberate better than in any cathedral.

Off with their heads

The BBC's Indonesia correspondent reports:

A court has sentenced three Muslim militants to jail for beheading three Christian schoolgirls in Central Sulawesi in 2005.

Pretty gruesome incident all round. Good job those unpleasant chaps didn't commit their atrocities in Saudi Arabia or Iraq, because they would have had a dose of their own medicine from the only courts that execute murderers by beheading!

Barcelona school room loses its roof

Barcelona is the capital of Catalunya, the richest region in Spain by miles. They pride themselves on their level of education and attention to detail. How embarrassing to have reports (in Spanish) of a classroom roof collapsing, and then a further report that the walls are starting to crack. No doubt the Madrid government will take great delight in offering the breakaway state a few euros to put it right.

According to Reuters, scantily clad Hooter waitresses serving spicy wings and weak beer are going to ply their trade in Hooters, Tel Aviv. Oh shock horror, I hear you cry. Sorry, perhaps it would have been more accurate to say the Hooters girls wear low cut blouses rather than Hooters girls are scantily clad. Don't want the good folks of Israel to think they are going to get their fried food served by a greasy poled exotic dancer.

Hooters destined to fail or fly?

Call me old fashioned, but although the concept seems to go against the religious beliefs in that area, Hooters will fly! The male Israeli and Palestinian is the same as the curious US male or Chinaman. Sexiness sells. And please don't tell me the average customer at a Hooters USA is a nuclear family. Not that families don't darken the doors of that sinful debauched hell, but all sorts of folks partake of a buffalo wing and Bud, because them girls aren't sex on a stick by any means. How can they be, covered from the toes up in inch-thick latex hose?

No, given time Hooters girls will be doing a great trade in the Holy land, with dollar bills stuffed down their fronts and various religious books under their arm, with carefully selected phrases highlighted to prove that they aren't sinful.

There was a tragic case in the UK where a mother was accused of murdering her babies, held for 3 years and then acquitted. I just cannot imagine the machinations that must have gone through that poor woman's mind during that period of her life.

However, it is obvious want went through Sally Clark's mind when she reached the end of her tether and ended her life yesterday. Sleep well, judges.

According to the BBC, US federal appeals court has ruled that a California woman who uses marijuana to ease a number of ailments can be prosecuted on federal charges.

What a sick state of affairs in more ways than one. Judges are essentially snorting at the idea that a doctor might know better than them about what is and isn't medically valid treatment for a dying woman. When you think how potent prescribed methadone is, or unprescribed solvents, their whole thinking seems fatally flawed.

The woman does have a few options, however. She could go to jail, end up in intensive care.and then have thousands of public dollars spent on keeping her alive with drugs that don't work. Or she could emigrate to a country where cannabis is legal. ¿Hablas español?

The Pisstakers is a nuclear drug-free zone, but just for a bit of fun, match the drug with the relevant bar on the graph. The one on the left is the worst for you.

Heroine - Khat - GHB - Alkyl Nitrate - Cocaine - street methadone - alcohol - cannabis - tobacco - Anabolic Steroids - solvents - barbiturates - ketamine - amphetamine - buprenorphine - 4-MTA - methylphenydate - Ecstasy

The answer is here. on the BBC website.

The drugs quiz started a theme! The Brits really need to make up their minds over cannabis. According to the BBC, shock horror, they have uncovered a lot more cannabis farms in the last 2 years, and make that out to be a bad thing. Surely, if they had remained hidden, that would have been worse in the eyes of scared-potless UK authorities?

Back to drugs class with ABC

To add to the confused stance of the Brits on drugs, there was a long article in the London England Times about the latest 2 year commission on drug use in the British Isles. (I thought they were going to say that the Scottish Highlands are the place to be - with a name like that, could it be anything other than non-stop happy times.) However, more seriously, they concluded that the ABC classifications of drugs - the worst for society being A, cannabis being C - are way off base, especially as they don't include alcohol and tobacco any where.

To drink and smoke is morally OK?

It shouldn't have taken 2 years to work out what Blair dismissed a few years ago, but it did keep a few rich alcoholics off the streets. So, as you were, law makers. Keep everything above board and legal - drink and smoke yourselves to death. Meanwhile the streets burn as less well adjusted drunken rowdies have a laugh after 11. And keep up the good work, banging up peaceful and dopey harmless students and chronic sufferers of MS. Rule Britannia!

Now where is that D-grade Peace pipe? And doesn't the mind boggle at the idea of farms in London, 400 of them have been busted so far. And there was I thinking all along that this was a city full of sidewalks and tarmac-ed roads, not acres of cannabis plantations.

It's a laugh a minute over in Bucharest. You will need to sit down and place all drinks and breakable objects well out of harm's way, before reading this story about amnesia.

Presidents Day is no good to you if you have a garage full of rotting trash, you are expecting a big hand-out check in the post, you need a library book, or your dog license has expired. Frustrating, hey!

Fortunately the upside is, you can park at a meter and give it the finger without being ticketed, still let off steam with a round of golf on a municipal course. and if you have been embroiled in a long court process and your freedom is in the balance, you have another day of liberty till the judges get back to work tomorrow. Meanwhile, everyone else goes on as normal. Good leadership from the presidents!

According to a Washington Journal interview with health department representative, Dr John Agwunobi, this is the Year of the Heavy Fed. He should be congratulated on the move to encourage the majority of Government employees to shed some pounds, even hundredweights of excess body mass. For once, that sounds like a good idea, leading from the front. Well done.

How Feds lose tons of weight

The Government's push for losing lots of weight actually began back in 2003 - 363 tonnes of cash has been flown into Iraq and lost in the mayhem. The extreme gluttony of the people who got their hands on those $400k bricks is stomach-churning.

Two jags Prescott unhealthy hypocrisy

The average British civil servant is not quite as out-of-shape as their American counterparts - with a few exceptions. Years ago, John Prescott, the British Deputy Prime minister in the head banner above, was photographed cycling his fat ass into work. Spouting health and environment propoganda, his photo opportunity seemed to be inspirational. Maybe this rough and ready Northerner really could get in shape and make a good leader. Momentarily, people thought they could start to look up to a trim and healthy politician, rather than struggle to see around a corpulent frame financed by tax-payers' money.

And the greens were creaming too, especially as a bike is the leanest calorie consumer of all modes of transport. ie just 60 calories per mile of energy is needed to travel 1 mile, compared to 1600 to drive in a car. They thought they had a champion.

Unfortunately, it transpired later that day that as soon as the photographers ran out of film, his first of two Jaguars pulled up, a chauffeur threw the bike into the trunk, and off he drove to the office, 50 yards away. A hearty breakfast of three pork pies and a gallon of ale awaited him, and life continued as normal.

The Brits were heavily fed up with that sort of hypocrisy, and according to Skipper, weren't sorry to see Prescott squirm when caught for eating his secretary.