Deer chase in Cincinnati
11/11/07
In one of the featured stories today, it was touch and go whether a police hunt for a deer on the streets of Cincinnati would end well.
According to a reporter from The Pisstakers, anyone going to such lengths to evade capture by the cops would have been shot dead on the spot. However, the Cincinnati chief of police forbade his officers from shooting Bambi, because he knows they are as useless with their guns as they are at hunting deer by hand.
Had they drawn their weapons, you can bet that the streets of Cincinnati would have been running with the blood of innocent bystanders, SPCA officials, and a cameraman.
A normal day at work then!
Feel free to embed this video (and use our article) on your blog. Just say where you got it from.
According to a reporter from The Pisstakers, anyone going to such lengths to evade capture by the cops would have been shot dead on the spot. However, the Cincinnati chief of police forbade his officers from shooting Bambi, because he knows they are as useless with their guns as they are at hunting deer by hand.
Had they drawn their weapons, you can bet that the streets of Cincinnati would have been running with the blood of innocent bystanders, SPCA officials, and a cameraman.
A normal day at work then!
Feel free to embed this video (and use our article) on your blog. Just say where you got it from.
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. Tour de Gonads cycle race
29/08/07
Last night in a dark woody area of Germany, the Tour de Gonads cycle race started in earnest. Crowds of at least 3 turned out to support what many claim to be the hardest race of them all.
Erik von Zwei-acher yelped from his 27lb clunker bike, "The Tour de France is for wimps in padded shorts."
Few would disagree. After three circuits of these undulating cobbled streets and a quick sprint through a busy high street, the race would ruin more than a few pro cyclists' cobbles.
When asked why he took part, year after year, Helmut Schon, 79, answered, "Zis race has done me no harm whatsoever. After winning in 1975, my street cred shot through the roof. I have been the guest speaker at more nude conventions than I can shake a dick at."
When pressed about the winning streak that followed his first victory, he stuttered, "It iz a vunderful sensation, standing proud on a rostrum, presented with flowers and the Yellow G-string by pretty girls. The champagne uncorking can be a bit tricky, but I only lost one cork."
If you would care to participate in the pain, and have a competitive streak that would drive you to victory (followed by the adulation of sitting in an ice bucket for 2 hours), contact Helmut at his website. You can also sign up for the horse racing too. Slightly faster and bumpier than a bike ride, but your privates are cushioned by a luxury layer of skin over a bony horse's spine. Sign up, sign up.
TDF - Tour de flop
26/07/07
Tour de Drug test
The essence of this druggy crapola incident is that the anti-doping measures work in the worst cases, so no flop there! There were 189 men at the start of the Tour de France, and there was little reason to suspect they were ALL cheats. The forlorn hope was there were NO cheats.
Now we know that out of roughly 200, the competitors comprise 1% total pisstaker, 99% straight-to-unproven cheater. So that makes the tour competitors a big majority of honest folks? Ever the optimist, yes. I await the revelation that the whole lot of 'em are mobile druggies, but til then, let's keep to the sensationalism and focus on the known idiots.
Danish brake on
Ras, the sizzling Danish athlete, who has been leaving the best climbers for dust in the heat of the mountains, has been stopped in his tracks by drug testers.
It appears that in an effort to keep cycling drug-free, pros are required to be contactable during the whole year. Rasmussen was due for a random test, but the slippery worm claimed he was on holiday in Mexico, stoned on tequila, I believe, unconscious and untestable. In fact, he was sipping on chianti while getting synthetically enhanced in Italy. Tut, tut and hats off to the authorities for persisting with their investigations into Rasmussen. They got him, but at great cost to his competitors too.
The victims
A mix of shock, anger and embarrassment permeates from the peloton. They know millions of words will be written about the bad guys, while the honest cyclists will only get a passing reference tainted with doubt about their integrity. A shame.
The real victims
Forget the feelings and integrity of racers already at their peak, what about us keen enthusiasts? The main problem now for all cyclists is the pointing finger syndrome. I feel quite self-conscious now, because people I pass at 11mph flat out may be thinking that I am chemically enhanced. The shame, how dare they. I have worked hard to get down from 300 to 298lbs in the last month. Heart-wrenching! I can only imagine the dejection, if you have been training since age 14 only to be lambasted in the fall-out of some Scandinavian punk's attempts at cheating. Shame.
Conconclusion
The yellow jersey is the symbol of the race, worn by a warrior on 2 wheels, beating off all who try to take his lead. It is the aim of every team leader to wear the threads. Unfortunately, when you have an extra lung, it is easy to dominate the pretenders. Rasmussen was high on who-knows-what cow's blood performance enhancer, and Vinokourov took a blood transfusion during his supper, both trying to keep in contention. Luckily they both got involved in a contentious incident alright, being kicked out the race for cheating. So the race is a flop for them two, but let's not write off 186 other guys till we have proof positive.
Rugby Union Catt has a buttock problem
01/05/07
Rugby Union is that version of American football without armor, helmets and breaks every 15 seconds. Here is a quick look at some highlights of a thug's game played by gentlemen who still shake hands at the end of a match.
Believe it or not, but England, the pretty boys in white, are the World Champions right now, ahead of gnarly nutters like Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, and Argentina! But oh how the mighty are fallen.
Most of the World Cup winners retired straight after the hardest game of their life and the left-over players have done very little in the way of winning, since. To top it all off, now one of their best players has a bad bottom. Poor boy.
Rule Britannia, and all scouting commission checks should be sent to Ed at...
We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase funny quote of the day or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!
Believe it or not, but England, the pretty boys in white, are the World Champions right now, ahead of gnarly nutters like Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, and Argentina! But oh how the mighty are fallen.
Most of the World Cup winners retired straight after the hardest game of their life and the left-over players have done very little in the way of winning, since. To top it all off, now one of their best players has a bad bottom. Poor boy.
If any American Football scouts are looking for the fastest thing on 2 feet, look no further than Jason Robinson. He is fast, almost impossible to touch, let alone put down and has brains. He changed football codes at the peak of one career and within 2 years of starting Rugby Union, I believe, he was playing internationals and then won the World Cup. Now Robinson is England captain and jolly pleased about it too.Catt, who captained England in their last two Six Nations matches, has a buttock problem
Rule Britannia, and all scouting commission checks should be sent to Ed at...
China frees 5 US protestors against 2008 Olympics
28/04/07
This anti-Beijing Olympics story made me grin, and wonder, how on earth did the Chinese manage to arrest 5 Americans at 17000 feet in a place outside of China?
I thought perhaps with times a-changing and global warming, Everest had melted into Tibet, but wherever you look, the base camp of the mighty mountain still resides in Nepal.
Is it possible that the Americans climbed Everest from the Tibet side? This explains why they would have been under the jurisdiction of Tibetan/Chinese guides whilst in Nepal. But to be arrested at what everyone refers to as Everest basecamp, the American climbers would have had to climb Everest, descend from the summit into Nepal where the Chinese guides then arrested them and presumably carried their exhausted asses back over Everest and down into Tibet? I don't think so.
If anyone can explain the full story, please let me know. I don't get the logistics of it at all, and for once, I find this atrocity leveled at the Chinese authorities to be a little overblown.
Hey Beijing, any chance of lifting the ban on The Pisstakers for this hopeless moment of pro-Chinese propaganda? I will send you some gummi bears, loads of red ones.
Update: Apparently, as a result of the slight confusion over the location of the arrests, the Digital Journal story itself may be developing into an international incident in its own right. It may require a delicately worded press release from Beijing to nip it in the bud!
Updated update: Driven to research a story beyond the end of my nose, the Reuters people say the Americans were in fact encamped on the Tibet side of the mountain. That blows my image of 5 blokes strapped to the backs of yak or sherpas en route to Beijing via the 29000 foot summit. Oh well.
We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase funny quote of the day or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!
Everest has relocated?
I thought perhaps with times a-changing and global warming, Everest had melted into Tibet, but wherever you look, the base camp of the mighty mountain still resides in Nepal.
Superhuman Chinese guides?
Is it possible that the Americans climbed Everest from the Tibet side? This explains why they would have been under the jurisdiction of Tibetan/Chinese guides whilst in Nepal. But to be arrested at what everyone refers to as Everest basecamp, the American climbers would have had to climb Everest, descend from the summit into Nepal where the Chinese guides then arrested them and presumably carried their exhausted asses back over Everest and down into Tibet? I don't think so.
Is this story a crock of anti-Chinese wang poo?
If anyone can explain the full story, please let me know. I don't get the logistics of it at all, and for once, I find this atrocity leveled at the Chinese authorities to be a little overblown.
Hey Beijing, any chance of lifting the ban on The Pisstakers for this hopeless moment of pro-Chinese propaganda? I will send you some gummi bears, loads of red ones.
Update: Apparently, as a result of the slight confusion over the location of the arrests, the Digital Journal story itself may be developing into an international incident in its own right. It may require a delicately worded press release from Beijing to nip it in the bud!
Updated update: Driven to research a story beyond the end of my nose, the Reuters people say the Americans were in fact encamped on the Tibet side of the mountain. That blows my image of 5 blokes strapped to the backs of yak or sherpas en route to Beijing via the 29000 foot summit. Oh well.
Bob Woolmer murder, a real life who dunnit.
26/03/07
Bob Woolmer, coach of the Pakistan cricket team, has been murdered and everyone in his team is a suspect. It is like an Agatha Christie novel, with plenty of motive: money from match-fixing!
The video should give you a clue about bowling (pitching) batting, and field placements in cricket - plus an insight into how massive the game of cricket is for spectators in India, Pakistan, Australia....
It isn't played in many countries, but cricket is still one of the biggest spectator sports in the world. It has a reputation for being slow, boring, arcane and a waste of a good summer's day. Maybe that is the case in genteel England, but everywhere else, fans and players have a blast, and now there is some murdering in the mix too, what more do you want?
Once played by gentlemen in England, Australia, and other low population countries like India and Pakistan, cricket was metamorphosised into a big money business by an Aussie called Kerry Packer This was back in the 1970's. Imagine the shock when the then England captain, Tony Greig, defected to play pay-per-view cricket played under floodlights by tubby guys in colored pyjamas. And a white ball. My god, the Brits were coughing up bile into their gin and tonics, thankful that Tony Greig was in fact a South African, if you went back far enough down his family tree!
Of course the concept of earning decent money from a popular sport followed by tens of millions of avid fans eventually took off. Packer and Greig sold their version of sexed-up cricket to TV around the cricketing globe, and alerted bona fide opportunists to the commercial possibilities of high profile advertising. All the banks, and bat suppliers involved made a fortune when logos were incorporated into cricketers' kit. Names were painted into the pitch, or super-imposed onto the camera to look like theywas painted onto the grass. Sunglasses and white sunblock became de facto fashion accessories, especially in Australia.
It was also shocking to some traditionalists when players started to benefit financially. Suddenly, they could command as much as twice what they were earning out of season as traveling salesmen, butchers and teachers. They gave up their day jobs and professionalism was born!
It may come as a shock to many US readers, but isn't illegal to bet in most of the Western or cricketing world. However, it is illegal to rig results. Unfortunately, the rise and rise of money in cricket alerted illegal gambling syndicates to do just that. Match-fixing reared its ugly head.
India and Pakistan were the culprits, right? Nah. It first came to light when the South African cricket god, Hanse Cronje, the equivalent of Babe Ruth, was caught fiddling results. He used to earn a fortune in kick-backs from gamblers. It is mind-blowing though how he, or anyone for that matter, can manipulate a game of cricket, and not be exposed.
Cricket is played by 22 guys, (11 a-side) and only 13 are playing together at any one time. It is played over 5 days. Every move is watched by 3 eagle-eyed 3 umpires, and umpteen TV commentators with lenses that can see the spores on the grass. They have slo-mo to die for and they analyse every move. It is inconceivable to a normal viewer how even the great bowlers can be skilled enough to pop the ball in the exact spot at the right speed so another great batter can get himself out - without anyone being suspicious. And do that 11 times to swing and win a match? Mind-blowing.
But somehow Cronje and Aussies and then Pakistanis, Indians, and Brits have all been charged and found to be manipulating games for the benefit of gamblers. Imagine if they played cricket in China, I bet they would have perfected the art and never got caught.
Whatever the process might be for staging a result, now we have a death in the cricket gambling mix! And Woolmer was quite a big name to go down amidst scandal. A mini legend in his sport, the dead coach to Pakistan was a former England player. He repeatedly scored a ton of runs against Australia, in the days when Aussies hammered every (rather than nearly every) opponent in their path. He was a clever tactician who revolutionised coaching with the use of computers. He was a nice quiet unassuming guy.
The little boy in me who used to watch Woolmer sock it to Lillee and Thomson says, please don't let it turn out that he was murdered because he was creaming gamblers' takings.
I guess as an adult with a sense that everyone should do the right thing when it comes to money, please let it be proved that he was killed because he wouldn't go down that illegal route.
I hope too that he wasn't throttled by one of his team, who to a man, didn't mumble a word of discontent when they got trounced in their last game before he died. Let's hope that after going down to Ireland, that they were shell shocked at how they got beat, despite trying their best. It would be a shame if they were quiet because they were mentally counting their winnings from smoking Joe, head of the Jamaican branch of illegal Gambling Anonymous.
Know nothing about cricket?
The video should give you a clue about bowling (pitching) batting, and field placements in cricket - plus an insight into how massive the game of cricket is for spectators in India, Pakistan, Australia....
It isn't played in many countries, but cricket is still one of the biggest spectator sports in the world. It has a reputation for being slow, boring, arcane and a waste of a good summer's day. Maybe that is the case in genteel England, but everywhere else, fans and players have a blast, and now there is some murdering in the mix too, what more do you want?
Woolmer murder most foul
I couldn't believe it when I read that Woolmer, last seen coaching Pakistan had died of a heart attack. He wasn't that old. I nearly fell off my chair when they said he had been strangled.If you follow the rise of money and gambling in cricket, you might see why he was killed.The BBC report: Woolmer was found strangled in his hotel room...
The chairman of the Pakistan Cricket Board, Dr Nasim Ashraf, said Woolmer sent him an e-mail after the defeat announcing his retirement.
Members of the International Cricket Council's (ICC) anti-corruption unit have arrived in Jamaica and are looking at the Ireland game.
Money in cricket
Once played by gentlemen in England, Australia, and other low population countries like India and Pakistan, cricket was metamorphosised into a big money business by an Aussie called Kerry Packer This was back in the 1970's. Imagine the shock when the then England captain, Tony Greig, defected to play pay-per-view cricket played under floodlights by tubby guys in colored pyjamas. And a white ball. My god, the Brits were coughing up bile into their gin and tonics, thankful that Tony Greig was in fact a South African, if you went back far enough down his family tree!
Advertising revenue in cricket
Of course the concept of earning decent money from a popular sport followed by tens of millions of avid fans eventually took off. Packer and Greig sold their version of sexed-up cricket to TV around the cricketing globe, and alerted bona fide opportunists to the commercial possibilities of high profile advertising. All the banks, and bat suppliers involved made a fortune when logos were incorporated into cricketers' kit. Names were painted into the pitch, or super-imposed onto the camera to look like theywas painted onto the grass. Sunglasses and white sunblock became de facto fashion accessories, especially in Australia.
It was also shocking to some traditionalists when players started to benefit financially. Suddenly, they could command as much as twice what they were earning out of season as traveling salesmen, butchers and teachers. They gave up their day jobs and professionalism was born!
Gambling in cricket
It may come as a shock to many US readers, but isn't illegal to bet in most of the Western or cricketing world. However, it is illegal to rig results. Unfortunately, the rise and rise of money in cricket alerted illegal gambling syndicates to do just that. Match-fixing reared its ugly head.
India and Pakistan were the culprits, right? Nah. It first came to light when the South African cricket god, Hanse Cronje, the equivalent of Babe Ruth, was caught fiddling results. He used to earn a fortune in kick-backs from gamblers. It is mind-blowing though how he, or anyone for that matter, can manipulate a game of cricket, and not be exposed.
How to match fix in cricket? No idea!
Cricket is played by 22 guys, (11 a-side) and only 13 are playing together at any one time. It is played over 5 days. Every move is watched by 3 eagle-eyed 3 umpires, and umpteen TV commentators with lenses that can see the spores on the grass. They have slo-mo to die for and they analyse every move. It is inconceivable to a normal viewer how even the great bowlers can be skilled enough to pop the ball in the exact spot at the right speed so another great batter can get himself out - without anyone being suspicious. And do that 11 times to swing and win a match? Mind-blowing.
But somehow Cronje and Aussies and then Pakistanis, Indians, and Brits have all been charged and found to be manipulating games for the benefit of gamblers. Imagine if they played cricket in China, I bet they would have perfected the art and never got caught.
Woolmer murdered for complicity or not playing along?
Whatever the process might be for staging a result, now we have a death in the cricket gambling mix! And Woolmer was quite a big name to go down amidst scandal. A mini legend in his sport, the dead coach to Pakistan was a former England player. He repeatedly scored a ton of runs against Australia, in the days when Aussies hammered every (rather than nearly every) opponent in their path. He was a clever tactician who revolutionised coaching with the use of computers. He was a nice quiet unassuming guy.
The little boy in me who used to watch Woolmer sock it to Lillee and Thomson says, please don't let it turn out that he was murdered because he was creaming gamblers' takings.
I guess as an adult with a sense that everyone should do the right thing when it comes to money, please let it be proved that he was killed because he wouldn't go down that illegal route.
I hope too that he wasn't throttled by one of his team, who to a man, didn't mumble a word of discontent when they got trounced in their last game before he died. Let's hope that after going down to Ireland, that they were shell shocked at how they got beat, despite trying their best. It would be a shame if they were quiet because they were mentally counting their winnings from smoking Joe, head of the Jamaican branch of illegal Gambling Anonymous.
UK news satire
20/03/07
This was probably Fat Frank's personal trainer taking out his frustration at just how bad that athlete's dieting program is going. If anyone cares to remember the England World Cup fiasco, Lampard was the dough boy who passed the ball back to the opposition goal keeper, in the disguise of a killer shot, at least 7 times a match.The BBC report: Football Association will contact Tottenham after a fan ran on to the pitch at White Hart Lane and aimed a punch at Chelsea's Frank Lampard. The incident, which the FA described as "totally unacceptable", occurred after Chelsea beat Spurs 2-1 in Monday's FA Cup quarter-final replay.
248-dimension maths puzzle solved
So much for progress. The big news in mathematics is the 4 years' of work expended on a formula discovered a century ago. Perhaps for their next project, the brain boxes could explain the secrets of pie-assed squared, or explain why the student got a zero for his answer.
UK inflation rate hits 2.8%
Lies damn lies and statistics?
It should say, inflation is up by 2.7% for the majority and gone up by 2.8% for a handful of UK elitists who flew every day of February.Again the BBC say, On the Consumer Prices Index (CPI) measure, inflation in February was 2.8%, up from 2.7% the month before. The figure - pushed up by increases in air passenger duty and thus air fares - remains well above the Bank of England's 2.0% target for the CPI.
